Taken Too Early

This must never leave this blog. This must never leave the eyes of you, the reader and turn into words that form questions that are still to this day too hard to answer. Thoughts you may have, though mournful for another at the words that are in this essay will not turn into actions of sympathy. Every person in this world, no matter who you may be will have a role model in their life. And every person will experience death. But only the people that experience their role models death will be able to tell you the true meaning of how that person that has passed on from our world influenced the life or lives of the ones left behind in the world of the living.

Being one of those said people, it is difficult in a way to explain how or why it happened or even to the very point of who is at fault logically and figuratively. But when you are the one that is at fault for your very role models death, it is hard not to think every day on how they influenced your life. Such as my best friend Josh was a role model in my life that will forever influence me. Josh and I were two of a kind, the type of people that are easily forgotten and blown away in the wind of society. Which made it easy to see how we became best friends, though Josh and I were different in ways, I stayed in school and did my home work while Josh rather did his own thing and didn’t care about school or much of anything to do the subjects that were taught to us, even though we went to different schools. But it was not his way of ‘schooling’ that made me think of him as a role model. No. It was his personality and his way of being. No matter what the situation, Josh could stay cool and calm. Nerves of steel. Scared of nothing. He would keep his pride no matter how the cheese grater of life attempted to peel back his layers and degrade him to the point of fitting in with the world.

Some people have role models that influence the way that they do things. Such as a child will copy his father the way he shaves, or a person will start recycling because it is the way of ‘society’. The way Josh influenced me was not shown in any physical demeanor, but the way I thought myself, the way I see another person. I really…saw them. Though it was evident that people did not see me the way Josh and I could see them. Another reason why Josh and I became friends was because of our physical differences, because of my illness, I was born with an extra bone on my left thumb and so I have three thumbs. Though it was not something that was ‘wrong’ with him, Josh always wore sunglasses, as his eyes were different. There had only been a select number of people that ever saw his eyes, but I remember them better when I close my own. A dark blue started around the edges, it was so dark, it was almost black, but the tints of blue could be seen still. Moving into towards his pupil, the blue got lighter and lighter. It is said that the eyes are the window to someone’s soul, and it was always my belief that the reason Josh had such different eyes was because he had a soul that was beyond his years and his eyes told the tale of time. Getting lighter and lighter as the days, weeks, months, years of knowledge grew.

Through that knowledge, Josh continued his ways, showing me how life could be when you looked at it from a different point of view. At first, I was like everyone else, going day by day, working, never looking up to see what was going on around me. But Josh took my hand and pulled me away from the crowd and gave me a new perspective on life. He showed me how it was to truly have fun, to smile, to laugh the way people who are truly happy laugh. He showed me that trust was not something that someone should throw around, but something that is sacred and worth working for. Knowing about my illness, Josh would be with me at every good and bad turn that my illness took me on. He knew how to keep me from giving up on anything. Throughout the years of our friendship, Josh and I grew further apart, but closer together at the same time. Having to move away, it was hard to still be best friends, but when he came to visit it was as if we were just back to the old days. Unknowing I was that it was close to the date that I would never see Josh again. Saying before that Josh and I were two in the same, as we were easily forgotten and slid until the radar of popularity; but it is hard to know how that so few remember him. Between his little brother, Gem and I, no one remembers him.

No one on the outside could really say whose fault it was for Josh’s murder. But when you play a significant part to it without knowing, it is hard not to blame yourself. Even though people will tell you over and over that it was not your fault, it is too hard to take that guilt and put it away. To forget about it. No. Why should I forget? How could I forget? Forget hearing his voice, pleading for me to help him? Could you? As I said before, Josh always kept his cool, always knew what to do in any situation; whether it was an emergency, or just a game. But those seven days after he was kidnapped and I heard his voice for the first time with real fear. Real terror. It is hard to explain the feeling that one gets when someone is pleading for you to save them and all you can do it nothing. Hearing my best friend, my role model, the one that I thought could never be shaken cry out in pain and fear and all I can do is sit and listen is worse than the pain he was endearing. All because of a bad fight, some sick bastards kidnapped him and did unspeakable and unthinkable horror just for their fun. And I can honestly say that it makes me sick to my stomach today just thinking about what they did to him, as I remember every cut, every burn, every scream, every drop of blood that came from him.

Still unable to forget to this day, I would give everything not to forget. To forget would be a dishonor to his memory. This essay was about how a role model has influenced my life, and today I have spoken out loud to you about someone who you’ll never meet, and you’ll never remember. Josh was one of my best friends. And the last words that I heard from him will always stay with me. “I guess you didn’t look hard enough to find me Arlene…you couldn’t save me…why?” Unable to answer that question, I will forever remember someone who taught me to never give up, and to keep my pride no matter what the situation.

Goodbye Josh.